Its the Little things

It is the little things of life that put together become the big events.  

Today:  Finally had the drains in my bathroom fixed, and the shower head taken off 

and a new spray installed.   I am not as excited about the spray as I though I would be.  Aesthetically, it is not a pretty sight, hoping that functionally it will be.  There were more expensive sprays, all designed for those who like to take showers and want to improve the head.  I had not thought that the hose hanging from the top would look so much like some medical equipment hanging in the bath.  

Oh well, It will work well, I hope, for later in life when I may need one of those benches spread across the tub for sitting and bathing.  I can always get a different set up in the meantime.  I may try the spray on the tub in the morning, although I shall still take baths.  Perhaps once the grab bars are in place I will give it a try and see if I can stand without getting dizzy in a shower, and like it.  I do enjoy a bath so much though, this shower may just be for company. 

My stages in growing old.  The concussion in May of 2005 was the first step downward.  It has affected so much.  Also the growing pain in my knees and back.  Artificial menopause from the surgery in 1992, although it wasn't until the removal of the estrogen patch that I began to feel the effects, contributed to my demise.  Well as long as I am listing negative things, the demise of the church as I have known it, beginning with the loss of congregational hymn singing that was so supportive to me but not to those in charge.  That hurt.  Others seem to be adjusting better than me, and are able to continue with body life in the church.  My lack of social life is not even noticeable to them, and when I consider it and look at my huge busy calendar, it seems that my life has changed but its commitments have not.  Its my own battle and I wage it every day.  How can I be depressed and not feel it?  Others my age probably do not suffer as much down time, as I do, but it is my own battle and I alone, with the help of God do wage it day by day.  I know that my depression is not medical, and that is a relief.  I have so many in my life who claim to suffer from this type of depression and who am I to judge?  Their complaints seem to be so tedious and boring to me.  There are times when I need to be alone.  

That visit last Sunday with family the to Henry Ford was so enjoyable, and so revealing.  My niece Lucy, and nephew, Benny have gained an awareness of the needs of the next generation upward.  This is something more than what I had at their age.  Or many other people I know have had either.  I am grateful for this.  I also discovered my physical limitations.  Walking that 12 acre place was exhausting, but enjoyable.  Using one of those carts is not something I want to do, unless they engineer them a little better.  I would need a driver training course to learn to use one.   I wish the dizziness that lurks at the back of my head from time to time would leave, but I think it is related to sugar levels, and the solution being food, does not help the weight problem.  A vicious circle.  

Others have a more remarkable old age experience than I do.  I don't think it is a reflection on how I have lived my life as much as the result of varying physical limitations.  Getting the plumber here is a major victory for me.  I am so reluctant to make changes.  Yet I have my list of things I want to get done.  A little done every day and it feels so good to have them accomplished.  A career that made it possible for me to retire with some money, and some health to enjoy it in have helped.

Getting the new chair was a major accomplishment.  These things to "normal" people are just a part of life.  For me they are sources of things accomplished and joys to enjoy.  

And horrors if anyone realizes what a mess the office is in.  I am sure there are those who have worse scenarios.  I wish my church was more enjoyable to me, but it is not, at least not now.  Who to blame?  Why blame at all?  Just learn to live with life, wrapping myself in the warmth of my memories, and enjoying the accomplishment of short term goals, and all the while keeping a positive outlook, seeing the good and not dwelling on what I have not had.    

After all, Corrie Ten Boom locked in the prison in WWII enjoyed watching the ants crawling in her cell.  Its a matter of perspective.  If your prison is small, you can still find small things in which to delight. 

Well I have managed to work at the computer for an hour pouring out all of these little thoughts.  Glad I don't have much of an audience.  This is much too personal and rambling and may send me to the home for the bewildered sooner than planned.  I mean after all, I need to clean up this office some more first.  The 80 year old for whose funeral I must go Tuesday, told his wife that he was tired and wanted to go home.  The Lord took him that very night.  Peacefully, quietly.  Leaving his wife with her family to support her.  I still think of them as sixty somethings as they were when I met them.  Only now I am the sixty something and they are the late seventy, 80 somethings.  Sometimes heaven looks better than earth.  I guess that is true and when you realize it, you are ready to go there.